I’m gonna go to sleep and I’ll remain Caucasian the whole time even after midnight.
“
| — | Saturday Night Live |
Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency - Season 31, Episode 14
Travel Agent: Look, why don't you two think about this some more, and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back. Okay?
Female A-Hole: I know where I wanna go.
Male A-Hole: All right, we got it, buddy. Where ya wanna go, babe?
Female A-Hole: England.
Travel Agent: Okay, England's great, it's a big place. There's, uh, London. Brighton's very nice. Did you have someplace in mind?
Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Hogwarts.
Travel Agent: You mean from the Harry Potter books?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. You guys got trips on magic school?
Travel Agent: Sir... that's not a real place.
Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. All right. They don't go to there, babe. Probably gotta go online for that, right, somethin' like Orbitz or somethin'?
Travel Agent: No, it's a fictional place. You cannot go there.
Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, gotta wait till summer, the wizards are outta school, right?
Travel Agent: No, never. It's impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts; it doesn't exist.
Male A-Hole: It's invisible, right.
Guys don’t make passes at girls that wear glasses.
“
| — |
Saturday Night Live (SNL) Weekend Update -Season 29, Episode 10 (Sadly I wear glasses & guys have not been making passes) |
Gotta love SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy skits! They always make me laugh, no matter how many times i watch ‘em!
One of my favorite series of sketches!
In a speech to the Athens, Georgia Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George Wallace said, ‘I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can see him in the dark when he smiles.’
“
| — | Chevy Chase, Weekend Update (SNL 1975) |
God has a TV set. He watches us on it. Whenever I think he’s watching me I always take a nap to do a commercial for myself.
“
| — | Lily Tomlin, SNL 1982 (Season 8, Episode 10) |
The war between Iran and Iraq came to a sudden end today when the two nations each agreed to drop the last letters in their names and form one great big nation named Ira.
“
| — | SNL Weekend Update with Brad Hall, 1983 (Season 9, Episode 7) |
This story just in: The Statue of Liberty has herpes. Workmen discovered the legions, which were the size of basketballs, while they were repainting the statue. There has been no comment as to where Miss Liberty got the disease, which is incurable, but early indications point to a case of statue-tory rape.
“
| — | Brad Hall on Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” 1982 (Season 8, Episode 15) |
The Department of Naturalization, in an attempt to simplify cumbersome alien identification procedures, has designated all American citizens as shirts and all incoming immigrants as skins.
“
| — | Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” (1980) |
An astronomer from England’s Royal Greenwich Observatory said this week that the star of Bethlehem was actually a nova, or a gaseous nuclear explosion in space. World leaders interpreted this as meaning that God has the bomb, and they immediately invited him to the next SALT talks in Geneva.
“
| — | Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” (1977) |
The one rule that we had, if there was a rule, was if we make each other laugh we”ll put it on television and hopefully other people will find it funny and tell their friends. So there was purity about the intent.
“
| — |
- Alan Zweibel, SNL writer, from the book Live From New York |
Live From New York was a fantastic read! It gives you an insight into Saturday Night Live, but at the same time it leaves you wondering what it really is like to work there.
Authorities in Norway have banned children from the movie “E.T.” because they say it depicts adults as the enemy and shows children existing on their won. Other films banned by the Norwegian censors include “Heidi” because it shows a little girl involved with an older man; “Bambi” because Bambi was illegitimate; and “The Muppet Movie” because during the entire film, Miss Piggy performs with a man’s hand up her dress.
“
| — | Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” (1983) |
